Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
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[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
This probably isn’t good
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god