SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
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Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?