Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
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“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.