Sheep
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How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.