Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
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it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
😬
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight