The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
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birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”