Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
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My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.