Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
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No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
haha same
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Lmfao
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker