Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
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JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?