Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Mmmm canned fish.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.