Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
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Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches