WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
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*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I think I’ll stand
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Thursday
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.