I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
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(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
In Canada they just call them geese
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back