I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
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“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Never forget.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.