[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
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It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.