[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
You Might Also Like
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Breaking news:
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes