Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
You Might Also Like
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.