Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
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new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.