My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
You Might Also Like
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Saturday
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.