Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
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That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym