My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
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A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate