*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
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I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.