There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
buys donuts instead
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I enjoy a good short stor
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Poetry is my passion
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks