unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
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MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[loses house key, starts a new life]
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora