Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
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Does your wife know you’re single?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Do not levitate over flowers
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
NASA has no chill
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women