Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
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A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I can’t be the only one 😂
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
normalize having existential bread
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Have a lovely day 😊
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.