ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
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[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
umm…
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”