I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
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When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.