You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
You Might Also Like
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.