My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
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How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Bootstraps