Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
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When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Oh no