Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
馃摳: @thesproutingsunflower
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[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I鈥檇 be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You鈥檒l think, is that a man or a woman? It won鈥檛 matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I鈥檝e had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I鈥檓 reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there鈥檚 a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you鈥檙e welcome?
Wife: no.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
It鈥檚 okay, bra. I鈥檓 ready to snap any minute now too
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Naw, I don鈥檛 have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don鈥檛 have cars
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it鈥檚 dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what鈥檚 one rune reading among friends?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.