When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
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My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.