WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
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This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No