When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
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KFC hitting the cannibal market
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Hey I worked for it too!
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them