Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
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Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy