You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
You Might Also Like
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Air conditioning – not a fan
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.