As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
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All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.