Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
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Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Where’s my employee discount too?
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos