If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man