The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
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JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My therapist after every session
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own