I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
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dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Every BBC series about the universe.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.