North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
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my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.