Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
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*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
What personal space?
My dog
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won鈥檛 regret this later
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i鈥檒l admit you were right
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 馃檹
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
My dog learned how to text
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I don鈥檛 trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don鈥檛 lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee