“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
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Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday