[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
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My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
superman landing like a plane on his belly
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.