succession but with mickey mouse and friends
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
💯😂
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.