It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
You Might Also Like
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas