Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
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Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”