If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
You Might Also Like
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
yall want some gasoline milk
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me